New to Maine? Three Helpful Tips for
Pine Tree State Newcomers.
By David L. Jenson

If the following suggestions sound silly,
petulant, or politically incorrect, you're
right. They
are politically incorrect! If they
sound silly or petulant, you probably
haven't lived in Maine long enough, or you
live in Portland or points south which is
WAY too close to Massachusetts. If you
still don't like the sound of these
suggestions, you're welcome to hit my
old Toyota truck by sending a golf ball
in my direction. I won't mind. Another little ding along with the wisps of fur
from really stupid animals won't hurt a thing, and...who knows...I might just
deserve a good whack.

Suggestion #1: Stay Out of Politics

Suggestion number one, and it's impossible to emphasize this one enough,
stay out of politics! Unless you are a truly exceptional person, that really is the
safest course. (If you think you are a truly exceptional person, you're already
in trouble, possibly as much trouble as one who makes suggestions to
newcomers). If you just can't stay away from town meetings, wait at least
twenty years before you open your mouth, but by my estimation, even that is
too soon. This state is full of sad-case towns that have suffered ruination at the
hands of well meaning, but misdirected new-resident "saviors". Things in
Maine will change, and progress is inevitable, but if you've never actually
made a living on this economy go lightly in making suggestions or pushing
agendas. If you are living on annuities, or money made elsewhere, the best
thing you can do for the state is take up the game of golf.

Suggestion #2: Get Rid of the Critters on Your Roof

Second suggestion; Buy a good scope-sighted .22 or a high powered pellet
gun and learn how to use it. Unless you enjoy shelling out big bucks to local
roofing and electrical contractors to repair the damage done by red squirrels,
I'd advise shooting every one of the furry-tailed rodents you see. If you live
where it isn't legal to shoot...why are you living there? If you don't have the
stomach for killing pests, I hope you have some healthy annuities, or a lot of
money you made elsewhere along with time off from the golf course to
nurture a relationship with a few good local contractors.

Suggestion #3: Help Keep Our Wildlife Smart

My third suggestion is a little more tongue-in-cheek than the other two, but
has some merit (to me) none-the-less. Unless it's larger than a porcupine, don't
hit the brakes when you see an animal in the road (unless, of course, it's your
neighbor's beloved pet). We are making an effort to rid the state of really
stupid animals so that the smart ones can breed. Those of you who subscribe
to the theory of evolution would be natural enthusiastic supporters of this
idea. If only the smart ones survive, in no time at all we'll have critters in
Maine who look both ways before crossing a road. If you avoid hitting the
dumb ones, you are short-circuiting natural selection, fouling up the whole
mechanism of evolution, and perpetuating animal stupidity, and...well...
shame on you!

About the author:
David Jenson lives in Strong, Maine.   Visit his Web site at
Subscribe Today -- It's Free!
The Heart of New England
Celebrating the unique character & culture of Maine ~ New Hampshire ~ Vermont
Click here for your FREE
weekly New England
newsletter! (And get 12
FREE desktop

Bring the heart of
Maine into your home
with beautiful, affordable,
high-quality Maine prints.
Visit our
Maine Print Gallery

Visit our
Marketplace for
everything New England!

More Travel Info:
©The Heart of New England online magazine
...celebrating the unique character & culture of Maine, New Hampshire & Vermont!
Contact| The Heart of New England HOME | Search

Click Here to Get Your FREE Weekly Newsletter Today!